When Carley and I were talking about having a baby, our number one wish is that our child would be an individual. Someone who freely marched to the beat of her own drum. The universe heard our intention and obliged, giving us a perfectly unique and amazing daughter who, at the age of four, completely knows herself. This is not her first rodeo and with every passing day we see that she intends to make each moment count. She is as quirky and full of personality as we could have ever wished and we delight in her eccentricities.
The biggest bonus to being a girl raised by a butch/femme couple is that all the options are on the table every day. You want to be a ballerina in a pink tutu, be our guest. You want to play with Tonka trucks in the dirt, go for it. Because we do not censor her sartorial choices or guide her into traditional "girl" activities and pursuits, she has been able to pick and choose how she wants to present herself without the knowledge, let alone concern, that she is not subscribing to the correct gender role.
This is serious people...no snickering in the back please! More and more parents are realizing the damaging effects of forcing children gender stereotypes defined by society. Parenting books line the bookstore shelves describing how to maintain a gender neutral framework in which a child can thrive and grow into the person they are meant to be. Research shows that boys suffer as a result of having their emotional lives extinguished. Boys tend to act out aggressively instead of expressing their feelings in a positive way. Many studies have shown that much of boys' apparent lack in social and emotional intelligence is due to environmental influence, to stereotypes about how boys should be raised, and to peer pressure. By telling your son that dolls are only for girls, are you making an indelible impression on him that only women care for babies? By not allowing him to try on the pink wellies in the department store, are you sending him the message that the clothing that he gravitates towards is shameful?
The same dangerous gender stereotypes exist for girls. Sunglasses are required in order to step inside most toy stores as the blinding pink and purple packaging are an arrest to the senses. I won't go into the offensiveness of Barbie and Bratz products as that has been done for a decade and seems rather obvious. Blah, blah, blah, launch into feminist rhetoric? No, not really. I will just summarize by saying that most of us already know that stereotypes laid out for girls and women have been damaging to our self esteems. Notions that we must only reach as high as to grab the all purpose flour from the shelf dashed many of our grandmothers' ambitions to be a business executive. Barbie and her impossible silhouette made us all squint into the mirror and then quickly look away. The princess phenomenon has a generation of girls waiting in anxious anticipation for their handsome prince to bring the sunshine and sort out all of life's problems. The reality is, women wear pants now, have the right to vote, run hugely successful businesses and are professional athletes. Generation by generation, we are proving that anything you can do, I can do better. Then why does the term "tomboy" still exist? Why all this fuss when a girl prefers to describe herself as handsome rather than pretty?
At a family gathering recently Camille was wearing a particularly dandy outfit which included a pair of Dickensian knickers, a velvet sport coat, button-up shirt and a bow tie with rockets and planets. She was so thrilled to show off her special outfit and went around to to everyone exclaiming that she was so handsome. Most of the family members smiled and hugged her warmly but one guy told her sternly "girls are not handsome, they are pretty". My heart raced as our eyes met after he uttered the last word...pretty. Luckily the comment went over Camille's head and she ran off to find her favorite cousin. I opted to take the diplomatic door and not make a scene but that moment created a firestorm of emotion. Come to find out, the family is deeply concerned that Camille is being raised with a confused notion that she has the option to wear ties and call herself handsome. It appears that we should make her feel that her choices are shameful and not appropriate for someone born as a girl. Can someone please send a letter to Diane Keaton and let her know that ties are not to be worn by women?! While you're at it, please notify Merriam-Webster that their definition of handsome as "pleasing to look at" should be changed to "a man who is pleasing to look at".
This idea that we are committing child abuse by allowing our child to express herself through her language, clothing and interests is disturbing and hurtful to say the least. As parents, we are here to create an environment where our child feels confident to be herself. The confidence that she learns and exercises now will get her through life's struggles and empower her to defend herself against people who try and antagonize her in the future. We refuse to create an atmosphere of shame and ridiculous, stereotypical boundaries for her. We have adopted a new mantra - don't like it, don't look. Our happy, well adjusted kid does not need gender stereotypes!
oxo-n
